|
5/11/24 I've spent the last 5 days away from work feeling sad, defensive, anxious, vulnerable and tired. Everytime I thought about my last week at work I grimiced with embaressement. I took pto on my Friday and then entered my normal 4 day weekend. 5 days away from work and it still doesn't feel like enough. My ability to communicate has declined steadily since I've been working here. I'm sure its not the only thing to blame but it is a huge factor. I'm not around people I can be authetnic with, not around people I can connect with, even my boyfriend is more aligned with our work's "values" than taking care of mental health. I'm sure he'd disagree if I told him that. I'd feel like an absolute hostage if I had to have that conversation with him. I imagined being able to express how I felt to my boyfriend about work and all I could think of was if I say [enter feeling here] he will respond with [enter negative response]. You could say this is an negative assumption but it's a personal experience and a witness to what he says about other people. We've breifly had conversations about depression, specifcally the topic of people living off the state and how some of them are lazy. He had an argument I've never heard anyone argue for, that some people really are just "lazy" and don't want to contribute to anything. I imagined this person he argued about being a burden to their family or friends and think "well I guess..." but I don't know of anyone like that. I do however know about jobs burning people out, triggering cpstd/ptsd, physical disabilities, undiagnosed and diagnosed mental illnesses causing people to not work. So when I imagined telling him that I don't have motivation for work or keep up with my house chores I just imagine him saying I'm lazy. Or even mentioning that I feel hated by my coworkers so much its paralyzing, I imagine him saying that I "shouldn't worry about what they think". I hate when he says that I "shouldn't" feel something. It feels so small when I mention how he usually responds with how I "shouldn't" feel something. But I cannot stress enough that it's never followed by empathy and understanding. I shouldn't feel something because it makes no sense to him. This is an issue in our relationship, he has little to zero empathy while I have a lot. For me I don't need empathy to understand another's pain, but for him he doesn't feel sorry. This is only one example of his intolarance to the need of comfort but know that it is the most fustrated I've ever felt with someone. But in this case it's true. I shouldn't worry about what people think of me but when I think of comforting people about this very issue I would say how could you not worry about if the people you spend more than 12 hours a day with like you? Being liked is sometimes more important than knowing how to do your job/being good at your job. Him and I have seen below average workers rise to leadership positions just for going out the bars every weekend with other leadership. How could you ignore your intution about behaviors that could possibly threaten your well being? Feeling backed up into a corner by people who don't like me without having the feirce support I would give to another feels liked I meantioned before, paralyzing. Without support or empathy all I feel is rumination. Making situations that should pass with time feeling bigger than any other problem. So tomorrow I go back work. I'm going to walk into a room with 9 people who dislike me and its triggering so much anxiety and so much fear. But what am I going to do? Our call out system at work is very strict and I'm grateful to pay my bills. The only solution I can imagine is suicide. In my darkest moment these days off I considered it more than I ever have in my entire life. But today is not so dark, so I search for feeling understood. |
This website is 18+ only